When I was an undergraduate, way back in the prehistoric past, I proposed a research paper on the effects of meditation. My instructor at the time told me that I could choose to write the paper, but no one in the psychology department would be interested in it.

Flash forward forty years, and now everywhere I turn another mindfulness group or research project is popping up. Interest in mindfulness got a big boost in in the 1980s when Marcia Linehan, a well-respected scholar and therapist, discovered that it aided clients who struggled with emotion regulation. (Emotion regulation is what keeps us from having a meltdown when our favorite restaurant is closed . . . or when our friend does not return our text within the next five minutes.)

The mind in its natural state can be like a 12-year-old ambling through a shopping mall, responding to the swirl of sights, smells and sounds. Look at those shoes – I bet they’d look good on me. Oh, smell that caramel corn – that would taste good. On second thought, I’d better wait for dinner. There’s my friend, Becca. Why doesn’t she look at me? Is she ignoring me?

Obviously, this is an oversimplification. Also, in a less busy cultures with less stimulation than ours, the mind in its natural state may be less volatile and more relaxed. I noticed this when traveling in parts of Southeast Asia, the calm presence of several people that I met there.

This brings up another point. Mindfulness probably runs against the grain of our culture. That’s because to be mindful invites us to withdraw our attention from the pandemonium of sensations and slow our thoughts down. In other words, we unhook from all the attempts to sway our impulses, our feelings and our thoughts — including our own thought patterns. We do this by giving the ongoing stream of sensations, thoughts and feelings a different kind of attention than usual.

Here is one definition of mindfulness that I like: the awareness that emerges through paying attention … in the present moment and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.

These are the words of Jon Kabat-Zinn, who founded a world-renowned treatment program for chronic pain at a hospital in Boston. That points to the magic and mystery of it. Who would have thought that by changing the way we pay attention to our own inner experiences we could relieve pain from real physical conditions?

It may be easier to imagine that mindfulness can reduce our psychological pain. Today mindfulness is being used as a primary or adjunct treatment for such issues as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, addiction, trauma, and even suicidal thoughts.

Paradoxically, one of the lessons of mindfulness is to accept emotional pain, to welcome it even. When we are being mindful we can experience emotional pain without all the extra baggage that usually is attached to it. For instance, you can feel hurt by a friend without immediately jumping to feeling unworthy, unloved . . . unlovable. This is because mindfulness creates some space around the feeling of hurt — a space in which you can bring compassion to the situation and your feelings and avoid what may be habitual patterns of self-criticism or self-rejection.

I don’t mean to suggest that mindfulness is a panacea for all that ails us. If that were the case, I and my colleagues would stop practicing others kinds of therapy and just teach mindfulness. But it can be a very useful method for creating a happy life, feeling centered and letting go of some of the burdens of the past.

Here are some Links to mindfulness and other meditation resources on campus:

• Mindfulness Group at the Counseling Center (Open to UO Students, Free)
• Relax and Renew Meditation offered by the Health Center ($15 students; $25 faculty/staff)
• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction at the University of Oregon ($250 – some scholarships available)
• Meditation is also offered as a for credit PE class

Mark Evans, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

When I first watched the first Star Wars movie in 1977 I was excited by the idea that there are hidden powers that I could acquire if I set my mind to it. The idea that I could move matter and influence other people with my thoughts was very tantalizing indeed.

At the time, like most young viewers, I was particularly interested in the flashier parts of the Force. The kind that Obi Wan used to get past the imperial soldiers with the droids. And of course, the bit of lightsaber mayhem when Luke was threatened in the bar.

Over time my understanding of the Force has deepened and changed. While the Force and its ultimate source remains mysterious, I do feels its presence at times. Moments when I feel energy moving through me. Moments when I feel centered and connected to everything.

If you fancy yourself a Jedi warrior, here are some questions and thoughts that may guide you toward connecting with the Force and avoiding some of the shadow aspects of its power.

• What makes you feel most alive? How much time do you spend engaging in this activity? What activities leave you feel depleted and/or full of regret? What activities give you a physical or emotional “hangover?”

• What people empower you in your life? What people see and bring out the best in you? On the other hand, what people drag you down or undermine your self-confidence? (You can flip this around by asking: How do I bring out the best in other people? What do I do that drags others down?)

• How do you recharge your batteries when you feel stressed or depleted? Do you make time for your own well-being? If not, why not?

• Are you working on becoming the author of your own life? Or are you letting someone else write the story for you? When we follow someone else’s path rather than our own, we tend to feel bored, tired, burdened or confused. (This question is especially apropos if you plan to live in Western culture.)

• Do you challenge yourself in directions in which you’d like to grow? Do you embrace new opportunities? Or do you tend to take the easy way out and then feel bored or disappointed? (This is tricky because if everything about your life seems challenging, it may be that you are on the wrong path. And those who have found their path early on may feel like life comes easier for them — not that they don’t work hard at their pursuits.)

• Finally, how do you relate to the great mysteries of life? The mysteries of both the outer and the inner world. Don’t forget, there is a spiritual dimension to the Force. (Spiritual in the largest sense of the word – not necessarily religion.)

Every important choice that we make either enhances our connection to the Force — or diminishes it. Part of becoming Jedi is learning to pay attention to the effects of our actions — including on ourselves. Of course, sometimes we have to be knocked down a few times in order to figure out the right moves. And in the process of persisting through difficulty and failure we may gain resilience and self-knowledge and even arrive at wisdom.

May the Force Be With You!

Mark Evans, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

If your family is anything like mine, returning home for holidays may feel like a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it can be a time to recharge from the stresses of school, be with loved ones and friends you may not have seen in a while, and perhaps even enjoy some home-cooked food. On the other hand, you may also find yourself fielding questions you’d rather not be asked (“So, what are you planning to do after you graduate?”) or getting caught up in those recurrent squabbles you thought you’d left behind you when you went off to college.

Even if your family is that rare gem, free of some of the challenges mentioned above, there are many reasons breaks may be difficult for everyone involved. For example, now that you’re used to the level of independence you’ve had while at college, you may expect the same control over your day-to-day activities back home. Meanwhile, your parents may expect you to return to the same rules and routines you had during high school. I’ll leave it to your imagination to conjure up the many exciting scenarios that can result from this collision of perspectives.

In fact, your and your family’s ideas may differ significantly on any number of issues related to your return home, such as the amount of time you’ll be spending with them versus visiting friends; how much to discuss potentially loaded topics, such as grades or choice of major; or the new pecking order any siblings still living at home may have worked out after you left for college. Add to that the exhaustion and stress from which you may be recovering after your final exams and projects – as well as the holiday stress than can arise – and you can see how tensions may run high.

Here are a few tips that may help minimize the stress and enhance your time at home:

• Consider having a conversation with your family about how things may have changed for all of you since your departure for college, as well as your expectations during the break. That way, even if there are differences in your expectations, you can negotiate something that works for all of you.
• It may help to let your family know in advance about your plans for the break (e.g., if you are splitting time between various family members/between family and friends, be clear about where you’ll be and when). Be open to compromise and remember that if your family reacts strongly to hearing that you won’t be hanging out with them 24/7, this may be because they’ve missed you and want to spend time with you. Including them as you make plans may actually help them better handle your time away.
• Think about letting your family know about any “sore spots” (e.g., grades) and setting up explicit times during which these are open for discussion (or, for that matter, off-limits). This way, you are setting ground rules that allow everyone to relax and enjoy your time at home while still addressing any potential elephants in the room.
•  It always can help to learn and practice using non-defensive language when you see old, problematic patterns emerging — patterns like arguing, apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong, explaining when explanations aren’t helpful. Some examples of non-defensive responses include, “That’s interesting,” “Let me think about that,” “Why don’t we talk about this when you’re not so upset?” and “I’m sorry that you’re hurt/upset/disappointed/don’t approve.” Saying that you are sorry that someone’s feelings were hurt is different from apologizing for your behavior. These strategies can allow you to “unhook” from old communication patterns and avoid contributing to escalation.
• If home has never been a happy place and being there promises to be more painful and complicated than restful, consider spending your break with a friend’s family. If you have to return home, you may be able to plan visits with friends, volunteer opportunities, or other activities that will permit you to step away for a day or two and restore balance.

Hopefully, these suggestions can help you start addressing potential hitches in your visit home. That way, your focus can remain on the fun and joyful parts of that experience. Taking time to relax, reconnecting with those you love, and of course, the food.

Susie Musch, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

Anxiety – that unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach, the rapid heartbeat, shallow, rapid breathing. It’s the result of your body’s response to threat with the “fight or flight (or freeze)” reaction. This response has helped humans survive for centuries, gearing our bodies up to attack, flee or hide from predators and other dangers. Yet, in current situations, threats aren’t just limited to our physical safety. They are increasingly to our self-esteem or self-concept. A particularly common form of anxiety among college students is social anxiety.

Anxiety can arise when we anticipate doing or saying something embarrassing. Or it can be triggered by the fear of evaluation and judgement by others. This type of anxiety, in and of itself, is not a problem. I suspect we can all remember times when we’ve gone to a party and felt awkward or a bit anxious when it became clear that we only knew one or two people there. Social anxiety, however, is when a student is unable or unwilling to interact with others to the point that it impairs their academic, social or work life. It’s important to note that social anxiety can sometimes be the result of trauma or other early negative “training”. In general, however, social anxiety develops when one’s primary way of coping with anxiety is by trying to avoid it.

How does avoiding anxiety lead to more anxiety? Imagine, for example, that dogs make me nervous, just seeing or hearing one is enough to form a knot in the pit of my stomach. Now imagine that my main way of coping is to avoid dogs as much as possible. As I walk through my neighborhood, I quickly learn to avoid streets that have dogs. Of course, since I’ve stopped visiting those streets, I don’t know when those families with dogs have moved away and the streets have become “safe” to walk down. In addition, as new dogs move into the neighborhood, I learn not to walk down those streets too. You can see how my comfort zone can only go in one direction — it gets smaller and smaller. Moreover, because I have fewer and fewer encounters with dogs, I become more and more sensitive to them. Thus, my anxiety gets stronger and stronger.

So what’s the alternative? In my example, the way to push back against the anxiety and to expand my comfort zone is to gradually expose myself to dogs. I probably wouldn’t go out and adopt a Rottweiler right away. But I might start by getting a stuffed animal — or watching YouTube videos of dogs — and then meeting my friend’s golden lab puppy and working from there.

In the same manner, students who are anxious in social situations may start to avoid gatherings, parties or other group situations. They may refrain from speaking in class, even if they have questions. As they restrict their social interactions, they feel even less comfortable and confident interacting with others and their social comfort zone gets smaller and smaller.

Similar to the dog example, the way to decrease social anxiety is to gradually, incrementally expose ourselves to more and different types of social interactions. This is how you can break the shackles of anxiety and expand your comfort zone and effectiveness in life.

It just so happens that one of the groups we offer at the Counseling & Testing Center is our Shyness and Social Anxiety Group. Admittedly, if you suffer from social anxiety, joining a group is probably one of the last things you’d want to consider. After reading the above, however, it should be clear that the best way to reduce social anxiety is with the supportive exposure to social situations that a group offers. In addition, since everyone in the group is shy or socially anxious, group members automatically know that they are not alone.

It can be hard to take that first step by coming in to the Counseling Center, particularly if going to new places and trying new things feels anxiety-provoking. That first step, however, could be the first of many that go toward improving your social confidence and enjoying a more rich and engaging life.

Ron Miyaguchi, Ph.D.

Staff Psychologist

Take a moment and reflect on the following question: If you could control how other people perceived you, what would you want them to think of you? What would you NOT want them to think? Now that you’ve discovered the antidote to self-consciousness how will you spend your new fortune?!

Seriously though, we all wish for the ability to conceal the parts of ourselves or our experiences that we dislike. Like that extra sensitivity or tendency to talk too much when we’re nervous. Or that massive mistake we made six months ago that confirmed our suspicion that we’re total screw-ups. On the flip side of this, we have an underlying desire to be perceived in certain ways: cool, effortlessly perfect, having it all together, without one drip of anxiety.

Sound familiar? It should if you aren’t a robot. Even all those people we admire who seem effortlessly perfect and appear to have it all together share these painful feelings. I recognize that you may be skeptical about this, so I’ll cite the work of a researcher, storyteller, and social worker named Brené Brown. Brown’s work casts a fresh light on the universal human experience of shame — the feeling that we are unworthy of love and connection with others. Brown explains that shame drives our desire to manage perceptions – to conceal our sensitivity, silence our natural chatter, and vow to take that mistake we made to the grave. It compels us to put a lot of energy into acting as though we’re super competent, we don’t struggle, and we can’t be hurt.

Shame is tricky because we really can’t avoid it as long as we desire meaningful connection with others. Humans are instinctively driven to seek belongingness, even though we live in modern times and sometimes find excellent companionship in Netflix. We often soothe our feelings of shame through avoidance and trying to manage perceptions, but research shows that what we really need is vulnerability. Yep, that thing.

So, what is vulnerability? In basic terms it means allowing ourselves to be seen, especially when there are no guarantees. Going to a new student organization meeting, even though you won’t know anyone there, just because you want to make more friends. Reaching out to someone who is struggling, even though you aren’t sure what they’ll say. Acknowledging to your romantic partner that you aren’t actually mad, you’re feeling hurt.

At this moment in my life, vulnerability is writing this post. It’s being willing to share what I’ve learned with you, even though there’s a voice in the back of my head says that says, “Who am I to be writing this?” Brown refers to these messages as “shame gremlins.” I like this term because it transforms painful fears of inadequacy into creatures that I imagine would resemble the little green characters on that Nasonex commercial.

In her TED talk titled The Power of Vulnerability Brown states, “In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen.” I know, this is a tall order, so it’s important to be thoughtful about practicing vulnerability.

If you have someone you trust, practicing vulnerability could mean sharing a bit more of your authentic self in this relationship: strengths, weaknesses, quirks, etc. For some folks, there isn’t a single relationship in which this feels like a good idea. That’s fine – you aren’t alone in this. Perhaps vulnerability will involve taking steps to build new, healthy connections in which you can develop deeper friendships over time. Patience is key here. But it’s worth it, because the relationships that are built on a foundation of truly seeing, accepting, and appreciating one another add loads of joy to our lives. And to me, that seems far more worthwhile than being perfect.

This post skimmed a lot of concepts: shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and connection. There is much more to explore here so, please check out the following resources to keep learning:

Written by Brené Brown
o I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)
o The Gifts of Imperfection
o Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead
o Rising Strong

TED talks
o http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
o http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

 
Claire Hauser, M.S.
Doctoral Intern

Where there is fear, there is power. (Native Shaman Saying)

When I was a young man going through college my head was full of things I was supposed to become. Chief among these, as far as school was concerned, was the constant drum beat from family members that I should become a lawyer.

Law is a noble profession, and there’s nothing wrong about attending law school. But as I wandered through college, enjoying most of my classes but having no real idea what I wanted to do the rest of my life, I somehow knew that law school was not for me.

What no one taught me when I was growing up was the value of living an authentic life. Since my parents lived through the Great Depression as the children of immigrants, their guidance always steered me toward becoming successful — in other words, do something that makes a lot of money! (Alas, I did not follow that last bit of advice. I lived in a cabin in the woods for several years and took a break from work altogether to backpack around Asia.)

Some of you reading this know exactly what you want out of life. Congratulations. That’s wonderful. Feel free to stop reading at this point.

But if, like me as a young man, you question, you doubt, you feel lost at times — sometimes lost in your dreams — by all means please keep reading.

For those of you who were never encouraged to dance to your own music — or perhaps were too afraid to do so when younger — if you seize the opportunity, college can be a time a remarkable growth and self discovery.

Sometimes it’s a matter of listening to the small voice that says, “Wouldn’t that be fun to try?” In other words, look for the little sparks of interest and passion, add some dry twigs and blow on it. This may mean taking a class outside your major just because you’re fascinated the subject. Or it could be visiting one of the many extracurricular groups on campus. Or taking a road trip to a place you’ve always wanted to see and experience for yourself.

Here’s another idea: This Halloween why don’t you dress up as a person who represents a quality you would like to bring forward in your life? A trait, profession or way of being that you feel strongly drawn to.

If fear is what holds you back, then force yourself to get out of your comfort zone — and try new things. Give yourself permission to be uncomfortable and awkward — even fall flat on your face, if you need to. (Don’t we often learn more from what goes wrong than from what goes right?) I’m not saying that you should be reckless or force yourself to do things that go against your values. What I’m advising is that you push yourself to try things that interest you, even if it takes you a bit out of your comfort zone.

After all, the only thing you have to lose — or to gain — is your self.

Mark Evans, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

Imagine this . . . You’ve studied hard as you could on your mid-term exam in your major, but when the grades come out you discover that you received a “D” on the exam.

Or imagine this . . . Someone you thought was a good friend tells you that s/he/they doesn’t want to room with you next year but will be rooming with someone else.

Or maybe someone close to you simply withdraws and stops talking to you. When something like this happens to you, how do you typically respond?

It is very human in these situations to feel some emotional distress. In the first case, at the very least, your self-esteem may take a dip. You may lose confidence and decide that you are no good at your major — or even being a university student. If you project this deflated feeling out into the future, you may even imagine a life of failure and becoming homeless, living under a bridge somewhere.

Very often, in addition to the immediate pain we feel in these sorts of situations, we also feel a sense of inadequacy, as if something is lacking in us. If only we were smarter, then we would have earned a better grade. If only we were more likeable or a better friend, our friend would have chosen to live with us next year. It’s as if a part of us takes sides against ourselves, kicking ourselves when we are down.

If a friend came to you and said that the roommate situation above happened to them, would you say to your friend: “Well, it’s because you’re really not that likeable”? I hope you wouldn’t say that. I hope that you would listen empathically and perhaps say something like, “You have a lot of friends . . . don’t worry, something else will turn up.”

So why can’t we be this kind with ourselves? A few of us can be. For others, it takes conscious effort to be this kind to oneself – particularly those with perfectionistic standards or those who have suffered some kind of abuse. There is no better time to start cultivating compassion toward yourself than right now!

First, sit quietly and take a few deep breaths. Try to clear your mind a bit – just do your best with this. Now think of a situation that has been causing you some emotional pain. Once you have called this situation to mind, say quietly to yourself something like, “The fact that (such and such is happening) really hurts me. And this capacity for being hurt is not a failure; it’s part of my humanity.” (You can change the words here so that it flows naturally. The basic idea is to acknowledge that you feel hurt and that being hurt is part of what makes you a feeling, human being worthy of being cared for and loved.)

Take another deep breath or two.

We will end with what is called the loving kindness meditation. Cultivate a positive, warm intention toward yourself as you say:

“May I be happy
May I be free of suffering
May I love myself just as I am
May I be filled with love and light.”

You may find this easier than you expected. Or you may find that it takes a few sessions to warm up to it. You may struggle feel the words as you say them. Again, feel free to adjust the words so long your intention is to direct love and kindness toward yourself. If you’re mind is scattered or chaotic, you might simply repeat to yourself: “Peace . . . peace . . . peace” or “warmth . . . warmth . . . warmth” or “love . . . love . . . love.”

If you are feeling extremely upset, then this meditation may help you to calm down and center yourself. But I encourage you also practice this when you are not upset. You are laying the foundation for a different relationship with your pain and with your self image. It is human to experience emotional pain. But we can prolong and intensify the pain by treating ourselves with disapproval or rejection instead of with compassion.

So the next time you feel hurt or upset, take a deep breath, acknowledge the pain, and send warm, loving thoughts to yourself. Learn how to become your own best friend.

Mark Evans, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

*Some of the ideas for this entry come from a wonderful book: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer.

BELIEVE THEM. They need your trust and support. Sexual assault can happen to anyone. It is not the person’s fault they have been raped. Many sexual assault survivors are victimized a second time when they confide in a trusted friend or family member who questions them, blames them, ignores or brushes them off or doesn’t believe them.

LISTEN. You may feel like giving advice or getting angry at the person who hurt them. Hold off. Listen to your friend. They may not be clear about what they feel and may present feelings to you in a confused way. The survivor may cry, be angry, laugh, be afraid, feel unsafe, be sad or be numb. Try to listen and understand what the survivor has gone through. Talking may provoke feelings in you, especially if this person is close to you or you’ve had your own experience with sexual assault. Try to keep your feelings in check right now, especially your anger. Your friend needs you to be sensitive to their feelings and to help them decide what choices are good for them. Even though the survivor’s pain about the experience may feel overwhelming to you, remember, by listening non-judgmentally, you are helping them to begin healing. Be patient as they may need your support for a long time.

RECOGNIZE. Recognize that your reactions and feelings are important too. When someone we care about is hurt we often feel hurt too. You may need to talk to someone about what you are feeling and how to handle it. Don’t hesitate to do so. Talk to a friend, a family member or to a professional. The Counseling and Testing Center is available to you at 541-346-3227.

ACT. If your friend contacts you right after being raped or assaulted, encourage your friend to get medical help immediately. There are many reasons to get a medical evaluation. Some birth control medication needs to be taken right away. Also not having an exam before cleaning up may limit future options. A survivor can always decide later after the exam whether to pursue charges. The University Health Center and Sacred Heart Hospital have trained sexual assault nurse examiners who can collect evidence and care for their needs. Stay with the survivor if wanted for support. You can also let them know about support options via the Safe website or by calling 541-346-SAFE any time day or night.

RESPECT. Above all, respect the survivor’s efforts to be in control. Even though immediate medical attention is a good idea, if the survivor does not want to go, do not insist. Control has just been taken from the person who has been sexually assaulted. You can best support them in taking back control by allowing them to make their own decisions.

Most Important:

• First express faith or belief in the survivor.
• Express validations and comfort, not judgment.
• Put aside your feelings when you are with the survivor. Deal with those feelings somewhere else.
• Keep the information and identity of survivor confidential so they have control over the information (unless you are a UO employee required reporter).
• Inform the student of the Safe website and confidential support counselors available 24/7 at 541-346-SAFE .

Brooks Morse, Ph.D.

When I was in graduate school, my partner and I had the same argument before every exam or assignment. “Why do you stress out about these things so much?” he’d ask, as I paced grooves into our carpet, miserably attempting to memorize even unimportant details, in case I had finally encountered the one occasion upon which these things would actually matter. “You always worry, and it always ends up being just fine.” I’d look at him in disbelief, say, “Yeah, but this time it’s DIFFERENT,” and return to enthusiastically highlighting the entire textbook.

I’m a worrier. Before I started working on it, I entertained endless “what if” scenarios, all of which ended in catastrophe. No amount of reassurance stuck. I either treated everything like an emergency or put it off until the last possible moment to avoid the discomfort of thinking about it. I often over-prepared, knowing that if I didn’t it would be BAD. I wanted to prevent the bad thing from happening, and if I failed to do so, it would mean something awful about me.

If you identify with anything I’ve just described, you may be a worrier too.
Before feeling about yourself, remember that worry is seductive for good reasons. Without being aware of it, many of us use it to maintain the illusion of control over an unpredictable world. We may think it helps us motivate ourselves, solve problems, prevent bad things from happening — or even avoid difficult emotions because we are too busy thinking to let ourselves feel. However, in the long run, worry often hurts us more than it benefits us. It eats away at our confidence and contributes to behaviors like procrastination or constant reassurance seeking. It can affect our relationships and may even cause depression.

So, now that we know all of this, what can we do about our worry? Here are a few strategies to try:

• Is there any part of your worry you can turn into a to-do list item to be worked on now? Focus on those and let go of unproductive predictions about the future.
• Remind yourself that uncertainty is part of what it means to be human. It is neither good nor bad but part of the human experience.
• Take a step back and recognize your thoughts for what they are – thoughts, not facts. Try this by labeling each of your worries as thoughts (e.g., “I’m simply having the thought that I’m going to fail my test”). Or repeat your worries aloud until they lose meaning or start to bore you (bonus points for doing this in a silly voice!).
• Write down your worries and related predictions, then return to these in a week and see what the actual outcomes were. You may notice that the vast majority of feared outcomes do not actually come to pass.
• Plan 15 minutes of your day as designated “worry time.” Set aside all worries that happen outside that time and focus on them during worry time. When worry time finally rolls around, many of your worries may seem pointless.
• Use the temptation to put off tasks that worry you as a cue to tackle them head-on. You’ll often find that the discomfort wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be, and your worry was short-lived because you didn’t prolong it through avoidance.
• Identify activities that take you out of your head and into your body and your senses. Activities like exercise, rock climbing, hiking, listening to music, dancing, enjoying a delicious meal. Devote some time each day to those activities.
• Ask yourself how you will feel about this worry in a month, year, or five years. What will you be doing in a few hours, tomorrow, or the next day? What good things could happen during this time?

Finally, if your worrying is getting in your way or causing distress, consider talking to someone about it. Therapists can help you identify what your worry is actually about and explore and implement strategies by which to manage it.

Take good care of yourselves, fellow worriers!

Susie Musch, Ph.D.

Do you hold yourself to very high standards? Feel shame and guilt when you make a mistake? Do you stay up all hours of the night trying to make sure your class assignments are “good enough?” Do you worry that your grades will suffer if you take a break and let yourself relax? Do you believe that even minor imperfections will lead to catastrophes? Are you afraid people will be disappointed in you if you don’t perform to expectations? Do you ever feel angry, exhausted, frustrated, or depressed when trying to meet your standards?
If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you may be struggling with perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a very real and very tricky thing. On the one hand, setting a high bar for oneself and striving to do our very best can be positive and often results in success. In fact, a certain amount of pressure is necessary to excel in life. On the other hand, perfectionism can become a roadblock to achieving. Perfectionists often struggle with procrastination and burnout, which then lowers their productivity and brings up feelings of shame and low self worth.

Here’s the problem: at some point along people’s path to success, drive and motivation became synonymous with pressure, self-criticism, and fear of failure. In fact, many people worry that lowering the bar on one’s expectations of oneself will result in a loss of motivation, poorer outcomes, and subsequent failure. These individuals truly believe that they must hold themselves to impossibly high standards in order to succeed or else risk abject failure. Perfectionists often compare themselves to their peers — who they assume are not struggling with the same problems — and feel the need to “keep up,” often pushing themselves to the breaking point.

Many students come to the Counseling Center reporting symptoms of depression and/or anxiety when really, the underlying culprit is perfectionism! In many cases, it is usually only when their grades have begun to suffer that these individuals actually consider reaching out for help. It is at this point that students often report a tremendous sense of confusion, despair, and low self-worth. Many students will say, “I just don’t know what happened, but it’s like I’m so tired, I feel like a failure, and don’t even want to try anymore.” I will try to explain to these students that, the very same mechanism that helped them succeed and get into college in the first place, has now backfired on them, leaving them exhausted, overwhelmed, and unhappy.

So, what to do?

• The first step is to challenge the belief that you cannot succeed unless you are performing at 150%, 24/7. The key is to realize that people actually perform better when their motivation comes from a place of encouragement and enthusiasm, as opposed to fear and pressure.
• If you think you struggle with perfectionism, accept it! Own it! We can only change something if we accept that it exists.
• Cultivate self-awareness. Try to stay mindful of perfectionistic thinking. See if you can catch & stop yourself from engaging in:
  • Black or White thinking (eg: “I won’t hand in assignments if I don’t feel they are perfect.”)
  • Catastrophic thinking (eg: “If I get a bad grade on this exam, I won’t get into grad school and my future will be ruined!”)
  • Should statements (eg: “I should be studying right now instead of spending time with friends.”)
• Identify your values/goals and determine whether or not perfectionism is actually helping you adhere to those values. For example, if your value is to perform well and feel a sense of accomplishment, ask yourself if perfectionism is actually helping you reach those goals, or are you forever feeling like your work is “not good enough?”
• Allow yourself time to relax, take a break, hang out with friends, sleep, have fun! You will soon see that easing up on yourself will actually increase your motivation and performance!
• Seek support. Talking about perfectionism will help you feel less alone and find ways to be more effective with less stress and inner turmoil.

By Chandra Mundon, Psy.D.