As Blaise Pascal very aptly put, “Man’s sensitivity to little things and insensitivity to the greatest things are marks of a strange disorder.” We all suffer from this strange disorder, especially me. But God has done a miraculous work in my life. My aim now is to make my life one unflinching gaze upon the glory of Christ.
Mine is the story of narcissistic rebellion, self-absorption, and criminal conceit to supplant the rightful ruler of my heart, without regard for my created purpose. This I did and do with the clothes I wear, the weights I lift, the knowledge I acquire, the people I gather around, the entertainment I flock to, in order to hide my ugliness, to conceal my weakness, to forget my fallibility, to distract my lonely heart, to drown out the piercing silence of my strange disorder. But though my scars are numerous, my flesh is powerless, my enemy is dangerous; my God is glorious and His grace is totally sufficient.
As I reflect on what I am thankful for and what my life has come to thus far, I can’t help but despair over the strange disorder which plagues all of us. But there also exists in all of us a throbbing obsession, an aching addiction, to see glory. It is something felt deep in the soul. In his book “Look & Live”, Matt Papa sums it up beautifully:
“I was still sick, still dissatisfied, still looking.
The change came, but it was only by experiencing a greater Thrill. It was by beholding a greater Beauty. God.
…I began to set my own gaze on His glory, before I even knew what Glory was.
I began to look deeply into the gospel. Deeply into God’s Word. Deeply into the cross.
I began to just sit with God. – to seek Him in His temple (Psalm 27:4). And as I did this, slowly, something started happening. Beauty began coming into view. A light. A brightness… which was there all along. I just had to let my eyes adjust. Now, an eclipse was occurring in my soul – a displacing of all counterfeit beauty and lesser thrills.
I began to taste the sweetness of the Honey.
I began to tremble, to smile, in the most self-forgetful way.
My whole being leaned toward this Eternal Weight. Everything inside of me was screaming ‘I was made for this!’ There was Substance.
I was seeing God, the Glory I was created for. And I knew in that moment, in my bones, what it would mean for me to choose to fix my soul-gaze upon this Beauty. It was clear what the result would be.
Life.
Transversely, I understood in that moment the consequence of choosing to look away. I knew the result of going back, back to the numbness, back to the short-lived, candy-coated, one-night-stand idols I had once adored.
Back to gulping from the empty, ever-deepening wells of wealth and pornography.
I knew the consequence of throwing the full weight of my inconsolable soul onto the shadows of this creation.
Disillusionment. Disappointment. Despair.
I knew in that moment the consequence of turning away from this matchless Glory… of looking back.
Pilar of salt.
Death.
The change didn’t happen overnight. It occurred over about a three-year period of regularly setting my eyes toward God. But as Beauty began coming into view, I began to feel something I had never before. A satisfaction, an incomparable thrill, and a displacing of all lesser ones.
Suddenly, sin wasn’t as sweet anymore. Like being offered a McRib sandwich after I enjoyed a filet mignon.
I got a glimpse of Glory, and I was changed. Forever set on a trajectory of seeking more of these Glory-glimpses.
I looked, and I lived.”