From the Ovcara Memorial Brochure, “At the farm turned concentration camp, the uniformed members of the Yugoslav People’s Army (YPA) and of paramilitary Chetnik’s formations who were drunk and out of control, commanded by the the YPA officers (Mrksic, Sljivancanin, M. Radic, and others), had beaten up the prisoners from Vukovar with sticks, baseball bats, clubs, chains, rifle stocks, and various other objects. Even the mayor of Vukovar, a Serb S. Dokmanovic, beat up his fellow citizens. Four prisoners lost their lives due to excessive beatings in the hangars, while other prisoners were transported to the place of their execution, a ditch located approximately 900 m away from the Ovcara-Grabovo road. They were murdered there on November, 20 1991, and thrown in a mass grave. The victims were mostly wounded people and medical personel from the Vukovar hospital. In September and October of 1996, there were 200 bodies exhumed from the mass grave (192 persons that were killed there, their ages ranging from 16-72, were identified until July of 2006).”

I  wrote a long reflection on the heartbreaking, powerful, and moving experience just hours after visiting the memorial museum and grave site itself. Here were my thoughts and feelings:

Dealing with the Unimaginable

Going into my trip to Ovcara on Thursday I was expecting to feel incredible pain, sorrow, and utter sadness. My prediction was correct. Walking through the Ovcara memorial and driving past the 200 trees that marked the mass grave where over 200 innocent civilians were massacred was one of the most saddening experiences of my life. I try to remain positive when facing challenges in life, focusing on love and helping is my favorite way to go through the day and feel a sense of belonging. To that point, I was raised in a Lutheran School environment for 5 years and have always believed that forces of love and compassion were strong enough to defeat the evil that surrounds me in the world. The very essence of love and life (doctors, nurses, innocent civilians) met disturbing, divisive, nationalistic, powerful evil forces in Ovcara… and evil overpowered all the love that may have existed in the victims at this place.

An overwhelming sense of helplessness was the first emotion I felt. That transitioned into guilt when I saw one of the victims remembered with his “Basketball Membership Card”. Basketball is a sport I have always loved and I have shared this passion with both my brothers, most of my best friends, my dad, and my cousins. Why have I been so lucky to not have to cope with any of my loved ones having their entire future curtailed through a single unfair, cruel act? I saw myself, family, and friends in the victim’s shoes for just a moment and felt bad that I was raised with so much love and safety.

That guilt must have been noticeable, because my wonderfully compassionate professor Emina Buznikec invited me to ride in her car with her and her baby (Adam is the cutest little 2 month old baby) from the memorial to the mass grave site. I explained how my values of love have been put into direct question since coming to Vukovar and those values were crashing down on me at this farm, Ovcara. But she reminded me that just because evil wins the struggle sometimes, does not give myself an excuse to give up the struggle to promote love, understanding, empathy, and human unity. Giving me a space to express my pain and confusion touched me deeply. So many forces were bringing me down, yet I found caring people around me pulling me back up.

Rafaella (our Croatian local guild) offered to let me read a poem titled, “Fuck off YNA” and that made me feel a bit better. It reminded me that although so many victims had their futures vanish, I still have so much time to make the world a better place, I still have my own destiny in my hands. I have the power to use their memories to identify and combat evil and divisiveness in the future. Then a friend of mine, India, pointed out that the trees that memorialized the victims were still living, growing, and standing in remembrance. It made me think that in a way, the lives lost created a legacy against hatred that would outlive all of these individual victims. These moments of support, hope, and positivity were necessary for getting past my initial feelings of helplessness and guilt and finding motivation to work harder and think deeper in my future works. I’m glad I experienced a wide-emotional spectrum today, I hope I grew today and that I can use this experience in the future to facilitate more personal, moral, and emotional growth.

The few days I have spent in the Croatian town of Vukovar have challenged my understanding of community, the past, and how the two interact with each other in the present. The city which was once a diverse, multiethnic hub in the former Yugoslavia is now the 2nd poorest municipality in Croatia. It is a city in economic decline. Jobs and young students are leaving in much greater numbers than they are arriving. The first two days I spent in the town I found it difficult to connect and relate to the world surrounding me. On almost every street I could find an abandoned building or a closed business. I understood the purpose of my program coming here was to see the actual toll war takes on the world, but I felt like there was an emotional piece of the puzzle I was missing.

On my third day in town I got up early and went for a walk to take some photographs and walk along the Danube to prepare myself fo the long day of class ahead. I told myself to try and find beauty within this destruction and I think I did that with some of the pictures I captured. I discovered the town had invited 3D artists from all over the world to create wonderful street art, I found it more beautiful and inspiring than any piece I have seen in a gallery. They were massive works that leaped off the sidewalk, and what surprised me most was that there was no graffiti on these works. Although they were created well over a year ago, the community had not vandalized a single aspect of the art, it was almost like medicine for this sad town that nobody with a conscious would dream of cutting off.

Later in the afternoon, a portion of my class took a guided tour of the town from four high school students, and I was lucky enough to connect with an aspiring 16 year old graphic artist; Nikola. I started by telling Nikola a little bit about why I was visiting Vukovar and asked a couple questions about what life is like living in the shadows of the war. His perspective was that city officials were corrupt. He said they only cared about making their pockets fatter and that these political elites still placate to war remembrance and spent exuberant amounts; way over promised budgets and timetables, to reconstruct water towers in honor of fallen ‘defenders’ of the Croatian independent state instead of investing in the future or small businesses. He seemed so disillusioned by the direction of his government that I was not surprised to learn that he dreamed of going to college outside of his country, somewhere that he might find a job and build towards the future. I thought of my own future as he spoke about his. How will I be able to afford living in my hometown, whose rent prices seem to rise exponentially with every passing day? Would it be better if the economic circumstances of my hometown encouraged me to leave, or should I be grateful to have grown up in a place of growth instead of despair?

Initially it was hard to find common ground with this foreign young man who was 5 years younger than myself. And then I asked him if he listened to or made any music. I noticed his chill demeanor change from a relaxed tour guild to passionate kid as he told me about his side project producing rap beats. We chatted about some of our favorite rap and hip-hop artists. He liked my taste but said none of the good American rappers ever tour in Croatia. Meeting with, and talking to this aspiring artist turned this war torn city into something a textbook can never truly convey: a lived in community. A universal concept, where people live amongst each other while doing what they can to thrive and find their place in the sun.

It’s up to politicians and leaders to make sure that dreamers feel welcomed, appreciated, and create means for those dreamers to find their ray of sunshine and grow within communities. It saddened me that Nikola would never have the opportunity to make money preforming or creating art in his hometown.

Well everybody, today my program leaves the bustling, capitol city of Zagreb and drives to the town of Vukovar for the next week of classes. Vukovar has a population of just 27,000 people, it is situated along the Eastern Croatian boarder with Serbia, and it was a war zone less than 30 years ago. The fact that the conflict took place just 6 years before I was born is chilling to think about… it makes me grateful to have been born in a peaceful free country, where I never had to make the impossible decision between protecting my home or preserving my life.

In the city of Vukovar; from what I have been told and have read, was a place where during the Balkan Wars both Croatian police forces and the Yugoslav People’s Army engaged in door-to-door ethnic cleansing. The multiethnic city was used as a battleground for Serbians to demonstrate their superior military firepower as they shelled the city from afar and executed Croatian and Muslim minorities en mass. Several soldiers and commanding officers from both the Croatian and Serbian military forces have been convicted of human rights atrocities and war crimes from the ‘battle’ there. The battle only lasted 87 days, but it resulted in thousands of refugees, carrying all their belongings they could, and the battle separated the whole community on the sole basis of ethnicity.

There are still ruined buildings in the city. I have heard that some people came back to the city after the war to try and move forward and rebuild their homes. I have also heard that the Croatian Army keeps a tank with a cannon permanently pointed towards the Serbian boarder, so as to never forget whose town it is now. Every Croatian I have spoken to has told me the same thing about the city of Vukovar; it is a depressing place but if I want to understand the human cost of modern warfare; it is an essential chapter in the story of the war. Please leave a note and give me some advice; if any of my ‘loyal’ readers have any, in terms of coping with listening to extremely sad topics and experiences.

I know writing about and accepting my emotions; positive or negative, is the best way for myself to grow and stay in touch with my humanity. Perhaps seeing families come back to a place of such negativity and try to move on with their lives will give me hope that conflict and hate can be overcome. Every time I’ve been emotionally disrupted so far on this program, I have driven myself to research more and ask new questions. This work ethic is both fulfilling and distracting.

Destruction is awful and as I try to remain an optimist in all phases of life… I expect this week to be challenging and incredibly emotional. As I walk through the ruins of the city alone, I will try to remind myself that I am never by myself in this world. I always have family, friends, and my new readers supporting me. Other than the 5 hour bus ride we are about to embark on, I am ready to embrace the challenges this week is going to present.

I will write from Vukovar soon!

-Casey

I have never been so happy to have spent the Fourth of July with so few Americans.

I went out last night to get a burger, beer, and fries for dinner at around 6pm at this small joint near the laundry mat, “Burger Raj”. I sat next to a table with three incredible, welcoming, and fun Croatians. I joined in their conversation by defending the bar art they were criticizing. But it turns out they were in fact, professional designers and artists in the area, so I told them they must be correct and they invited me out for a walk with the three of them.

Two of the artists were a couple, and I think Anta was feeling like the third wheel because she was more than happy to take me on the local tour of the city and wanted to take me to the city’s summer “Pop-Up Beer Garden”. Already, I was giddy with excitement to have met such unique and open friends. Then as our walk continued we saw a wine tasting event that appeared to be a very classy event, the type of event a young man in America would need to be on some sort of list to be let into.

So Anta says to me, “Oh my god there is my step-uncle! Let’s go in and see what is happening!”

Yeah, there was no chance I could say no to her in that moment. So just Anta and I went inside the event and she is speaking Croatian to her family, friends, and wine pourers while I stand, smile, and tell people my name when she told me to. We tried a few white wines and then people started making speeches and a woman in a golden gown and tiara took to the center of the courtyard. I asked Anta what was going on and she told me that the woman in the dress was the Zagreb Wine Queen… I was in the “royal” wine court for free!! And it was only 8 o’clock or so!

Anta had some plans to go out with some friends of hers later that night and invited me to tag along, again there was no chance I could say no. I was being taught so many names and Croatian throughout the night that I only can remember the name of one of her friends who we met with after the wine event, Lovre. He is a very tall Croatian, an aspiring writer and passionate NBA fan. We spoke at length about the Warrior’s turbulent summer, Kawhi’s upcoming decision, and how crazy World Cup festivities got in Croatia last year. Lovre, Anta, and another friend of theirs whose name escapes me bought drinks at a convenience store then drank and chatted at “Fake Art” Park. What amazed me was that these Croatian locals who lived in the city for years were willing to have an entire night of conversation in their secondary language just to keep me included. I told them that I appreciated their bilingual skills and did try to learn a few useful Croatian phrases from them too.

At this point the night was nearing 11 o’clock (I should say 23:00 that is how they display time in Croatia) and my new friends were going to go their favorite cheap place in town; Rockstarr Caffe Bar, and wanted to show me some of the local liquors. Once again, there was not a chance in hell I was saying no!

I had my first, second, and third taste of the local specialty, Rakia. I sat on the street curb and met other Croatian friends of their, two very cute travelers from Germany, a man who invited me to crash on his couch in Spain, and a photographer from the Brooklyn. At one point Lovre shouted, “Happy Fourth of July Casey” and I stood up and saluted towards absolutely nothing in particular! I exchanged some social media information with my new friends and called it a night as conversations started to die down.

Then I called Christopher on my intoxicated walk home and spoke about life abroad, Brandon’s wedding, cooking, and the Warriors until my phone died. A night that started in isolation turned into an incredibly empowering, social, and informative night. When I woke up today I was so happy to have remembered everything and to not have to go to class today! Even though there wasn’t a BBQ or any family around me or any fireworks; I think that was the best Fourth of July I have ever had. God Bless America. And thank God I decided to go on this trip.

For my first group project in my program, I am working on understanding the Siege of Sarajevo and the role the United Nations played in declaring the city a ‘safe zone’ where they would provide food, shelter, and protection to people who were made refugees by the Serbian paramilitary forces in Bosnia from 1991-1994. Our project is to write a three page briefing and make a powerpoint presentation to the class on Monday, July 8th.

Initially I did not know too much about the siege other than the city was under daily shelling from Serbian forces and thousands of Muslims, who had no organized military force of their own within the Balkans conflict, from all over Bosnia came to the city seeking safety. The more and more I dig into the research portion of the project, the clearer it has become that bureaucratic blockades prevented any effective peace building strategies. I’m excited to do more research and learn the specific ways in which the international community failed to protect the human rights of so many vulnerable people who were flocking to their declared ‘safe zones’.

For more information about to introduce yourselves with what was going on in Sarajevo, I would reccomend reading this article I found written in 1993 from a reporter within Sarajevo titled, “Bosnia’s ‘Safe Areas’: West sets the stage for a human tragedy: The creation of UN ‘safe’ refugee zones proceeds apace. In these disease-ridden camps thousands of orphaned Muslim children, with no hope for the future, will turn to crime or terrorism”  Link:HERE 

“War Belongs in a Museum”

History textbooks are a fantastic resource for learning facts, people’s names, historical events, geography, laws. But there is an emotional dimension to the conflict I am studying here in the Balkans that I had not understood and will never be able to fully understand. To absorb even a fraction of the pain and fear victims of war must have felt has put all my studies into a much more serious light.

I say this because I just went to the War Photography Museum in Zagreb today and saw for myself a stunning collection of photos and stories from mothers, fathers, elders, kids, and soldiers. To look into the hopeless eyes of young soldier carrying another bleeding limping soldier away from the front. To see his hair drenched with sweat and his lip tighten up, knowing that this body was not the only one he would be tasked to retrieve. I looked to my left and read the caption, “19 year-old soldier helping his wounded friend. The soldier died later that day retrieving the remains other fallen soldiers.”

To feel the gut-wrenching dismay in the faces of two parents, begging their son not to leave for the front. I notice he is wearing a wedding ring too, his wife must have already said goodbye.

To see an unsupervised cow wondering through the apocalyptic,  shelled and ruined streets of Vukovar. “I’m going to study in this city next week?” I wonder to myself as I continued through the gallery.

To study the faces of mothers and children being torn from their homes and walking with no where to go was one the most chilling, emotional, and important experiences I have had while in Zagreb. This was the first time I lost control of my emotions while studying the human rights abuses in the Balkans. But I imagine they will not be the last tears I shed for the victims of this war.

This past Friday and Saturday night I got to travel to the city of Split along the coastline. Not only did we get to stay within the walls of the ancient palace of the great and lit King Diocletian, but we also managed to take a ferry and spent a day on a small island. I spent hours just floating in the Adriatic Sea, meditating and feeling overwhelmed with gratefulness to be on such an exciting adventure. If I knew how to post pictures on this blog, I would share photos, even though they could not do the island the justice it deserved. I felt sad to leave, but way happier to have been there in the first place.

Then on last Saturday night, I would say I had my first real experience with European nightlife and I have been exhausted ever since. First I started the night with sharing a bottle of Red wine and eating homemade pasta with Zach, Sarah, and India (some really great friends I have made on the trip already)! It was one of the classiest affairs I would say I have been a part of. But after around midnight the night took a slightly less classy turn (as I’m sure those of you who know me might imagine). I met people from all over the European continent throughout night, and finally got a taste for the exciting opportunities and people that can’t be found in Eugene. I mean, I got to drink a Jack&Coke in an ancient Roman courtyard while listening to a man on a guitar sing, “What a Wonderful World”! That moment,  that scene is something I never want to forget.

It was easily one of the best weekends of my life and I made so many memories with people in my program who I’m loving the chance to get to know better. Our whole group has a lot of unique, quirky, driven individuals that have challenged and distracted me each and every night since I got here. Although I will be honest and say, it has been hard at points to not having any of my trusted, supportive friends along or within reach to lean on when I start to feel self-conscious, confused, or alone.

All these distractions have made it difficult to post and have worn me out pretty good. For example, I’m writing this post at around 5 am because I cannot fall back asleep for whatever reason. I think it’s because now when I get up, my coffee addiction kicks in and needs to be taken care of. Even though the trip has been packed with a ton of things to do; and I have enjoyed wondering the streets and parks in Zagreb, at down times like this Monday morning, having all these amazing experiences without people you know and love can feel lonely and heavy. Hopefully as our class starts to dive deeper into the course, I can feel even more comfortable and open myself up even more to the new friends I’ve made in the program.

What a long day(s) of travel that was! My plane touched down in Zagreb an hour ago and now I’m just running off fumes. It is now nearing the 24 hour mark of when I woke up, and still have a half dozen hours of introductions and touring to go. Although dazed, I couldn’t be happier with the hostel we are staying in, will need to post a few pictures of the lounge. I’m lucky that our whole program has a scheduled dinner tonight because otherwise I would have passed out at first glimpse of a bed and messed up my bodies internal clock before my first classes tomorrow.

It feels great to at least be settled into my room. Really excited to try some local cuisine and start getting to know my teachers and colleagues on this amazing adventure!

“The best things in life are on the other side of terror, on the other side of your maximum fear, are all of the best things in life.” -Will Smith

Today was the day when it all hit me, I’m about to be embarking on the most terrifying, challenging, and uncomfortable adventure of my young adult life. In just under 48 hours I will be flying from San Francisco; across the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, to study human rights and international peace keeping organizations in the former Yugoslavia. I will be starting my adventure with five weeks in Zagreb where I will be taking classes Monday through Thursday in the capitol city of Croatia.

After these classes, my program will be traveling across Eastern Europe learning how to conduct field research and schedule interviews on how communities have responded and rebuilt in the aftermath of violence and crisis. I have about as much experience in this type of work as most privileged, American college students, none. I’m afraid that I will make mistakes, or get frustrated, or question if there is a place for me in this complicated conversation.

But those are fears of today, ready to be conquered tomorrow. My life experiences have taught me that adversity elevates my focus and mistakes end up becoming my greatest lessons. I’m about to embark on the most educational, personal, world-shattering adventure of my young adult life.

Thank you all for reading or following along on the adventure with me!