As we approach finals I’m growing ever more stressed. I don’t have reason to, I aced all of my midterms, my papers are good, my attendance is ‘fine’, I guess it’s the fear of the unknown. Not knowing what will be asked, not knowing all my sources, not knowing about returning home for 5 weeks. My worries are not strictly academic. I don’t know how it will be returning to OC. Coming back and living at home will kinda suck honestly, less freedom. Sure I miss my family, but I will not be digging the home town lifestyle. Seeing people I don’t care for, less freedom, less to do. See if  I can at least get a job.

In regards to finals: I’ve got to finish an essay and some short answer by thursday. Art History final on Wednesday. And finally the HIS final on, of course, Friday. So I’m going to be here until literally the dorms close. Which sucks. On top of that I’ve got plenty of readings to catch up on for that class which will mean a lot of cramming over this weekend.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve already made it to the end of my first term at college. It was easier then I expected to be honest. I met some cool people, some less cool but overall it’s been great in terms of social life. In terms of cash, well, I’m running low. I’m used to having a job, meaning around 300 dollars a week with no real expenses. So I bought a lot of shit. Of course I no longer have this job, but my spending habits have yet to change accordingly. I’m still out here dropping money like I have it and frankly it’s doing a number on my checking account.

I’m looking forward to christmas food. Just figured I’d put that out there. Cinnamon rolls, cookies, ham and all that. Truly is a magical time of the year, regardless of faith. I wonder if we’ll get snow? If it’s not obvious I’m padding this last blog post pretty heavily. My mind is going in far too many directions to really give this much thought. It’s a friday, so even though it’s before finals I’m going out. I got crap to do my dude. No final will stop that. New discovery, Mac and cheese from GSH is lit as fuck. No lie on that. I used to only go to hamilton, now I’m a GSH boy. It’s too good to not eat at least once a week. One positive change in my life has been dropping Carson. It’s not that good and it’s horrible for you. Too much pizza. Way way too much pizza.

The three classes associated with this FIG at a surface level(and arguably below) have little in common. The history of race however upon analysis is hidden from public view. We’re all taught to love Martin Luther King Jr, but few of us are told of the lesser known or more divisive pioneers. Malcolm X is a lot less popular in white America because he scared them. And so they do not tell his story. They don’t tell us of the black panthers, or red power, or of the young lords. We’re only taught of white America supports. And this is troubling to me.

This is where the FIG classes overlap. It gives the name a very tangible meaning in this: the history of race is hidden. This had never occurred to me before. I am a product of the American education system. I was never taught of black power until I was already 18. It’s disturbing that our institutions completely ignore recent, important, turbulent history. Why is this avoided? I couldn’t tell you without making accusations. Perhaps white people are reluctant to share the history of antiwhite supremacy leaders, or it could be the racist belief that that history is simply less important to teach. It’s a touchy topic. One that challenges longstanding beliefs in a post racial society. Some are pushed to feel the infamous “white guilt” and this feeling of shame rears it’s head in the form of greater internalized prejudice as they resent the idea that they could potentially hold bigoted beliefs. This is one of the reasons I  believe Donald Trump won this election. The accusations(true or not) by the left that vast swaths of our populace is bigoted idiots.

This week I finally got around to registering for my winter classes. PE, math, writing are among the new coming subjects. History will be returning in the form of ‘reacting to the past’ which I’m interested to see how it turns out. I’m somewhat worried about coming into this new term. I don’t know what my major will be yet. I’ve said poly sci, but I need to actually take some classes before I could pick a major. It’s hard to commit to 4 days a week of 9 AM classes. I am not gonna do it sorry man. I’d like to maybe take a greek mythology class at one point. Just a thought, but that kind’ve stuff really interests me. I’ve been playing a lot of Smite recently. Shit’s hella. I have no clue what kind’ve carreer I could net with such a degree but at least it’s interesting. Regardless. Here’s the latest mixtape I’ve dropped. It’s lit. It’s full of experimental and lofi beats that are sure to be somewhat entertaining.

I can tell you that word ‘fascist’ is overused by liberals and conservatives alike to demonize anyone they disagree with. Fascism holds no ideological power in the average American mind. Communism, socialism, monarchism, anarchism, all of the isms have some sort of meaning except for fascism. But now that we are faced with 4 years under a literally fascist president I believe that it’s about time to give the word some meaning.

-A fear of foreigners

-Hyper Nationalism

-Hyper Masculine

-Friendly to corporations(Mussolini once said “fascism should more properly be called corporatism since it is the merger of state and corporate power”)

I mean with this set of requirements it seems to me that we truly have a president that if he had run in 1934 may have identified as a fascist. Now, in regards to my opinions on this new president from a new not well understood ideology. Frankly: I’m terrified of the possibilities. Not only do I think the ACA could be repealed and taxes cut on the 1%, I think we could be facing the first steps in a new era of democracies degradation. Say, Donald Trump loses in 2020 and feels the election was rigged. He could mobilize the army to ensure a “fair” election takes place. This of course is unlikely, but very possible.

I also fear that many of the most extreme racists and sexists may begin to rear their ugly head once more. For a very long time now( I guess really only 20 years or so…) racism has been extremely shunned by society at large. And now, I see this turning around. Into what?  I can’t say. But considering Donald trump, a racist, sexist, corporatist managed to get to the presidency through very little policy and a lot of bigotry says a lot about the electorate and therefore a significant portion of the population of America. This is the voice of the people in action. And they’ve chosen a reactionary to undo progress of the last 8 years. It’s sad really. These people at the end of the day are scared. Of progress, of demographic shifts, of socialism, and what better way to let that fear and rage out then electing a candidate who promises to lead millions on a death march back to Mexico. ABhorrent and disgusting. But I guess that’s just the face of America now.

There’s growing talk of west coast secession. California on it’s own, WA and OR with BC to form Cascadia. I’ve had the Cascadia flag in my room for years now. And what was once just  a symbol of regional pride has changed to one of rebellion. I believe it may be in our interest to split away from a country which obviously does not care about what we have to say. Washington DC is far away. Geographically and culturally.

If I’m being honest, I came here in large part because of my brother. My school was similar demographically and ideologically. I never felt terribly out of place in my home town. So in that, I differ from Coates. I’ve always felt a belonging. So the choice to come down to Eugene and all of it’s granola filled wonders was one of jealousy for the experiences my brother was having down here. These second hand stories of young adult life are pretty enchanting for a young-ish boy at the time. It really gave me a romanticized view of the whole Eugene. And now that I’m here, I still love it. It take some getting used to, and I’ll have to make more social connections as time passes, but this town is a magic place. Sure, I’ve been asked for cigarettes from multiple junkies, sure there’s a homeless problem, sure there’s lots of weird hippies, and that adds character. Eugene is a unique place in Oregon, and even the west coast. It’s both a college town, and a working city filled with interesting free love individuals from a day long past but one I can still look back upon and somewhat admire. If you haven’t gotten the message yet, I’m a fan of hippie/Eugene culture. Something about this town attracts more entertainment and luxury then any other trashy college town has any right to. I recently saw the ‘$uicide Boy$’ in concert here. A divisive act based on name alone, but one of their opening acts said something that really struck me about this town. “Man this place is better than Portland. It’s got some really good weed (I personally can not attest to that), some real good food, and some real good people.” And that, in essence, really does characterize this city for me. It’s a hub of culture, a hidden culture, one that you cant see from the outside. There is no “Eugenelandia” for easterners to gawk at. Truly a hidden gem (Emerald?) on the west coast. So I suppose in a much more lighthearted way, this is my Mecca. A bastion of culture at the bottom of the valley. A city that feels massive on foot. And I really am looking forward to exploring every inch of it. Especially if I can figure out how the bus system works soon. There’s no telling what I might find in this town. It really is a weird place, no were else like it. Hopefully soon I’ll make it down past my neck of the woods, and chances are on the way someone will pop out of the bushes to ask for a cigarette.

Also regarding the cubs victory: It’s disappointing because we can no longer use the joke about the last time the cubs winning a world series the Ottoman Empire still existed.

So far I’ve finished 2 of my first 3 midterms. Art history and Ethnic Studies portrayed to me the 2 main types of assessments in college. First was Art His in which I had to memorize something like 80 separate pieces of art and various facts about them. For 6 days I ran over flash cards drilling and drilling them until I knew each and every one of them forward and backward. Going into this test I felt cautiously optimistic about my chances of getting a good grade, and though I don’t have the results yet I am almost certain that I got a solid grade. In stark contrast to this memorization centered exam was my ES test in which I could take the 3 question home and write on them for the whole weekend. For this reason I didn’t really prepare much for this exam at all. For the most part I just tried to take good notes and keep my sources at hand. And like ARH I feel confident that I did well on this. The final midterm I have coming up is like a hybrid of these two exam styles. For HIS I’ve got a test where we’re given 4 questions in advance, but can’t take in pre prepared materials into the test. Allowing time to prepare, but not enough that it’ll be easy. I’m planning on going through each question and writing out an outline and thesis along with a few sources. Hoping that’ll be enough to get me a decent grade.

Quick side note: I fell asleep in ARH today, feel kinda bad about that. Paying thousands of dollars to fall asleep in class, sweet.

My favorite aspect of class in college absolutely has to be lecture. To be taught by the worlds foremost experts on these topics is absolutely insane. Even topics I wouldn’t have traditionally thought of as ‘my’ subject I love. ARH is very cool, ES is interesting, and HIS as I expected is great. I’m hoping that all of my future classes can be just as interesting.

My soundcloud  is quickly filling up with music. I only have 20 free minutes left, so it looks like this might be the end of this project. It’s always been very therapeutic to make beats and music. Unfortunately I’ll have to start from square one again. It’s okay though, I’ve learned alot in this past year in terms of making beats. The next alias I use will be even more refinement of the same ordeal. For this weeks track I have a bootleg remix of a beat by $uijin. I just whipped this up real quick, but it definitely bangs. Very aggressive beat, very fun to listen to. Very fun to make.

I first read this prompt on Tuesday and here I sit at the last moment writing this post, again, last minute. This time it was not for a lack of effort. This question of tradition troubled me. For the first time I realized that I really don’t have any. Honest to god. I’m not particularly religious, in fact I’d consider myself an agnostic. I’m not in touch with my English roots, or any roots for that matter. So what do I have? Continuing with the dark tone of these blog posts: I have nothing. This doesn’t make me sad though. In fact I couldn’t care less. I have the rare opportunity to create my own rituals and traditions. Which I think is cool on it’s own. But this topic of tradition is running dry so, having sufficiently answered the question, I’ll move onto another topic.

There’s a lot on my plate for these next few days. I just had likely my hardest midterm, but there’s still 2 essays and 2 midterms in front me in this next week. Time management will become an issue this weekend as I take my first visit to my home. I’m hoping I’ll be able to focus and work on the take home exam for Ethnic Studies. I’ve had it surprisingly easy so far at college. Procrastination was something I had  a tough time with in highschool and only expected it to get worse as I made it to college but have found quite the opposite to be true. But as I return home what will I find? Will my newly found work ethic remain? Or will I become my old self once again? No telling as of now.

After the Ethnic studies work I have this weekend I’ll have a HIS 201 midterm and an essay due in the following weeks. Both of which will require significant chunks of my time. By the time I seriously start working on those I’ll be back in Eugene rested and ready for work. But I’m still concerned over my grades in this class. I’ve always done exceptionally well in History topics and I’d like to continue that trend. This class, like all the others, is different from high school though. I’ve had to learn to read again in essence. I never had to read in highschool because I did well without it, but I’ve had to undo the damage of the last few years in order to be successful in college. I’ve gotten quite used to reading little snippets of information with instant gratification. In essence shortening my attention span to nothing. This has been my main challenge so far in history. Regaining my attention span. But it is, slowly, coming back my way.

Lucille was smart in her choice to get a job. Before I became a living breathing example of one I thought of the ‘poor college student’ on a ramen noodle diet was a myth. This, I can comfortably say with my pal Maru-chan, is not the case. Adjusting to managing my own finances certainly was a transition for me. I’m in charge of all my purchases now. And honestly, that’s somewhat overwhelming. Choosing between carrots and coca-cola is no longer a choice in which my mothers voice is in the back of my head either literally or figuratively guiding me. It’s my own choice now. The separation has pushed me finally to the point of absolute self determination regarding purchases and diet. And in a way this speaks to my greater shift into adulthood. Metaphorically and literally my life is in my own hands. Choosing what I spend my few(oh god so very few) dollars on is a choice which sets pace for not just college, but life. I have absolutely got to learn to make choices that aren’t absolute shit. The dichotomy of my self awareness regarding my choices and how I know I should choose tears me apart. STOP BUYING STUPID CRAP. STOP EATING STUPID CRAP. These are two lessons I’ve learned but refuse to heed in the heat of the moment. It’s a struggle in every sense of the word. The next logical question to ask with this information is: if I have learned how to spend/eat/take care of myself wisely why do I continue to not? Perhaps I’m weak. Perhaps I’m lazy. Perhaps I’m young and stupid. The truth likely lies somewhere between those three.

The thing about this that eats at me is the burning question of ‘will I grow out of this and learn to properly take care of myself?’ and frankly I don’t know. College is an experiment for me in which I get to attempt to learn the answer to that question. From every angle I examine it, I think I’ll have to undergo a dramatic and sudden transition in personality and habits if I’m to be the type of person I want to be. I fear where I’ll end up if I don’t follow through with this idea. I don’t want to imagine a 22 year old version of me with the same problems I have today. The thought of it hurts me to my very core.

Why is it my blog posts always end up so mopy? I couldn’t give you an answer. I generally think of myself as an outwardly very social and happy person. My friends from highschool all knew me as the person who was always laughing and joking. Bet you wouldn’t have guessed that Mr/Mrs anonymous reader. I mean hell, this started out as a rant regarding my financial situation. I guess when it comes down to putting thoughts down to paper I get a little sappy, it’s a good exercise in self analysis though. Honestly.

Despite the rather dark and hopeless tone of my last post, my life has been great. My floor is no longer an array of strangers, but a list  of friends, soon to be friends, and acquaintances. My classes are all so interesting and engaging, while not being overly stressful.  Academically and socially I’ve truly blossomed. Thank god. Being a college student is not just friends and school however. Something I hadn’t even thought about before arriving here. In fact it was a quite a few things. First and foremost, something I’m doing as I’m writing this, laundry. At the start I’d split up whites and colors. But after seeing how long this took and how expensive this was I said fuck it and threw it all into one. Laundry is way more time consuming and difficult then it first appears. Feeding myself at college is more difficult than it first appears as well. Healthily at least. Hamilton has many delicious options, few very healthy. You’ll have to make it yourself if you want to feel good. Meaning more work on top of the school and previously mentioned laundry. Ugh. But eating well is not all of the battle to be healthy. Sleep is something I’m not struggling with. Because of my work in high school I’ve got the credits to technically be a sophomore. Meaning I’m a year ahead in terms of classes, so I scheduled myself to have 3 days off a week! Along with that my earliest classes are 10 am. So I’ve been getting plenty of sleep. In summary, laundry sucks, eating is hard, and I love to sleep.

Regarding the debate and current state of American politics:

As cliche as this sounds being a white young college student, I supported Bernie Sanders at the start of this election season. And after watching the DNC brutalize him in every way possible legal or not I had a very hard time supporting Hillary Clinton. A candidate which had cheated, lied, and manipulated to achieve the nomination. But as Southpark says, every election is a choice between a “douchebag and a turd sandwich”. But now, as I watch Trump meltdown during the debate and shortly after I can confidently say that this election is a choice between a turd sandwich and one of the worst human beings(if not THE) in current American politics. I’d rather elect someone like Hillary and have another election in 2024. With Trump, I’m not very confident that we would. And that’s not hyperbole. Not only socially insane; being a racist, sexist, Islamophobic, homophobic psychopath. Not only does he support continuing the destructive practice of supply side economics that resulted in the oft touted deficit we have today. Not only does he want to build an expensive/pointless wall along our southern border. Donald Trump sets a precedent in this country that far right politics is normal and allowed. We have a candidate at this time who has said in regards to nuclear weapons that he “will not rule anything out”.

As cliche as this sounds, it’s hard to believe I’m at college. My childhood has disappeared in the blink of an eye. Suddenly I live in Eugene with 24000 others, all of which seem to know every nook and cranny of this seemingly massive campus. Everyone has someone to eat with for every meal, friends to walk with between classes, roommates that are their best friends. I knew nothing of this. I was invisible in the crowd. For the first time I lived as a wallflower. A stark change of pace from high school; I finally knew what it was like to be alone. And I did not like it.

But things changed for me. My perspective changed. And thus my experience changed. The silent majority was just like me. We were all alone, the kids who took their burritos and sandwiches to their dorm rooms wondering how everyone else knew so many people already. This shared loneliness was the building blocks for my new friendships, a talking point at the very least.

So as I  Emerged from my from my hiding hole and started to make some friends classes began, and what can I say other than I’m in love. College is a different beast in this way. The specialization of my classes is perfect for me. I can finally just focus on things applicable to me and my interests. The once broad brush of public school has been refined to a laser sharp point. Each and every page I read now feels as if it has purpose. And while adjusting to the change in pace took some a few days I know realize it’s importance in the “college learning system” that is, self directed.

On the topic of self direction. I always knew myself to be good at taking care of myself. The help of teachers and parents, while nice, often was unneeded. I know can spread my wings in any way which I please free from outside influence and god damn I appreciate it. I love my parents, but I don’t always need my hand held. Being told to do something makes me infinitely less likely to do it. The adjustment to this, contrary to the rest of my early college experience, was excellent and well received.

College started off rough for me, there’s no denying that. Those first few days were some of the hardest in recent memory. But things got exponentially better. Every day was an improvement, from getting a few friends one day, to my classes starting another, to getting closer with my roommate the next everything was improving for me. And for that I’m thankful. I’m lovin life now. Truly. And I know for a fact that college is going to be a great time in my life, as sad as this essay may have started.