Imagine this . . . You’ve studied hard as you could on your mid-term exam in your major, but when the grades come out you discover that you received a “D” on the exam.

Or imagine this . . . Someone you thought was a good friend tells you that s/he/they doesn’t want to room with you next year but will be rooming with someone else.

Or maybe someone close to you simply withdraws and stops talking to you. When something like this happens to you, how do you typically respond?

It is very human in these situations to feel some emotional distress. In the first case, at the very least, your self-esteem may take a dip. You may lose confidence and decide that you are no good at your major — or even being a university student. If you project this deflated feeling out into the future, you may even imagine a life of failure and becoming homeless, living under a bridge somewhere.

Very often, in addition to the immediate pain we feel in these sorts of situations, we also feel a sense of inadequacy, as if something is lacking in us. If only we were smarter, then we would have earned a better grade. If only we were more likeable or a better friend, our friend would have chosen to live with us next year. It’s as if a part of us takes sides against ourselves, kicking ourselves when we are down.

If a friend came to you and said that the roommate situation above happened to them, would you say to your friend: “Well, it’s because you’re really not that likeable”? I hope you wouldn’t say that. I hope that you would listen empathically and perhaps say something like, “You have a lot of friends . . . don’t worry, something else will turn up.”

So why can’t we be this kind with ourselves? A few of us can be. For others, it takes conscious effort to be this kind to oneself – particularly those with perfectionistic standards or those who have suffered some kind of abuse. There is no better time to start cultivating compassion toward yourself than right now!

First, sit quietly and take a few deep breaths. Try to clear your mind a bit – just do your best with this. Now think of a situation that has been causing you some emotional pain. Once you have called this situation to mind, say quietly to yourself something like, “The fact that (such and such is happening) really hurts me. And this capacity for being hurt is not a failure; it’s part of my humanity.” (You can change the words here so that it flows naturally. The basic idea is to acknowledge that you feel hurt and that being hurt is part of what makes you a feeling, human being worthy of being cared for and loved.)

Take another deep breath or two.

We will end with what is called the loving kindness meditation. Cultivate a positive, warm intention toward yourself as you say:

“May I be happy
May I be free of suffering
May I love myself just as I am
May I be filled with love and light.”

You may find this easier than you expected. Or you may find that it takes a few sessions to warm up to it. You may struggle feel the words as you say them. Again, feel free to adjust the words so long your intention is to direct love and kindness toward yourself. If you’re mind is scattered or chaotic, you might simply repeat to yourself: “Peace . . . peace . . . peace” or “warmth . . . warmth . . . warmth” or “love . . . love . . . love.”

If you are feeling extremely upset, then this meditation may help you to calm down and center yourself. But I encourage you also practice this when you are not upset. You are laying the foundation for a different relationship with your pain and with your self image. It is human to experience emotional pain. But we can prolong and intensify the pain by treating ourselves with disapproval or rejection instead of with compassion.

So the next time you feel hurt or upset, take a deep breath, acknowledge the pain, and send warm, loving thoughts to yourself. Learn how to become your own best friend.

Mark Evans, Ph.D.
Staff Psychologist

*Some of the ideas for this entry come from a wonderful book: The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer.