Well, I am nearing the end of the SNAP Challenge, and I am back to wondering whether there’s really any added benefit of actually going through the challenge, rather than just considering what it might be like. Part of me thinks this might be due to a lack of proper dedication on my part- I have cheated easily and frequently on the challenge, due mostly to the simple fact that it was within my means to do so. But, more importantly, I don’t believe the SNAP Challenge gives anywhere near an adequate picture of what it is like to live on SNAP, with its attendant time commitment and opportunities for emotional degradation (which were beautifully expressed in another student’s posts).

Because I do not have the financial need to stick within my proposed budget, staying within it has become less a matter of solidarity or experiencing what others may experience (which, as stated above, is an inaccurate premise anyway) and more a matter of deprivation for the sake of my goal, ie. fulfilling the Challenge.

In this sense, participating in this challenge has felt more like being on a diet than anything else, with the same feelings of guilt and shame for “cheating”. As I sat there eating my Swedish fish on Day 3, seemingly unable to stop myself, I was reminded of being in high school and feeling similar shame for not being able to say no to a donut that was offered to me in Algebra class.* This is not what this challenge is supposed to be about, but all I can think about is my inability to deprive myself in the service of a broader goal.

A part of me wonders if my experience of the Challenge would be different had I come to it on my own, rather than doing it for the sake of a college course. This in itself is also a bit of a false presence, because I would never have taken part in this challenge in the first place (due mostly to the emotional ties to food to which I alluded in a previous post**). I do think, however, that I would have come out on the other side of it feeling completely differently, patting myself on the back for accomplishing my goal (or, more likely, berating myself for not meeting it) rather than realizing that the goal itself is ultimately futile.

*It’s crazy that the shame I felt was so strong, I still remember the class that it occurred in.

**Again, privilege at work, I want so badly to say, “The hanger is real,” but it feels like an insult to people who do experience food insecurity and hunger on a daily basis.

Well, I’m afraid I’ve flouted my rules entirely. I forgot to mention that on Day 1, I also finished off a slice of chocolate cake I had had in my fridge. This did not technically break my rules (again, breaking rule #3 via rule #5), but more important than the fact that I did it is the reason why I did it. I was very stressed out at the beginning of this week from the combination of homework, illness, and grading midterms, and I ate the chocolate cake purely out of a need for comfort.

The need for comfort is exactly what led to me breaking my rules more fully on Day 3. Wednesday marked eight full days of illness, and the third day of eating fairly tasty but ultimately unsatisfying chicken soup and crackers. I just needed something to make me feel better.

So I bought myself some tomatoes, salad dressing, canned corn, and mozzarella cheese* and made a variation on caprese salad. I also bought a bag of Swedish fish, which I ate in its entirety throughout the course of the evening. It was AMAZING. I honestly think the extra sugar helped me get over the hump and into recovery.

It also really highlighted the emotional aspects of food consumption, how it can offer comfort and emotional support, as well as being a very utilitarian way to treat yourself. Then there are also the obvious and myriad ways that food can affect your health and wellbeing, particularly when you are already ill.

I did even worse on Day 4, accepting at varying points in the day a latte, pizza, and a beer from friends. It almost didn’t occur to me to try to say no to these things for the sake of the challenge because of the very real way in which they were all tied to important social interactions and relationship building that I couldn’t bear to miss out on. Of course, these interactions were facilitated by my position as a grad student (free pizza abounds on campus) and the financial situation of the friends who offered to buy my drinks (who did so for reasons completely irrespective of the challenge). Food is such an integral part of social exchange, I can imagine how starkly it would change my experiences to not be able to partake of these opportunities.

*In this, as in so many other points in my life, fancy cheese has proven to be my downfall.

Being sick, I figured the best course of action would be to make myself a giant pot of chicken soup and live from that for a week. My ingredients included chicken broth (two for one with your Safeway card), 2 russet potatoes (of which I only used one so far), an onion, and fresh garlic. For breakfast/snacks I also bought a large container of yogurt, saltine crackers, and peanut butter.

Even during the shopping process, I found myself making compromises with my rules in order to satisfy the requirements of both my budget and my recipe. I already had a 1-pound bag of baby carrots at home that I had bought beforehand for $2* and I had half a container’s worth of chicken breasts sitting in the freezer that I estimated to cost $7 (as I had bought the original package for around $12). I marked it up slightly as penance for cheating on a technicality, but buying a completely new package of chicken would have put me over budget.

In some ways, I almost wonder whether this challenge would work equally well (or poorly, given how mine has been going so far) to do it as more of a thought experiment than as an actual experiment, because it is simply too easy to cheat and justify it to yourself.

I had already broken rule #3 by day one (but via rule #5, so I told myself it was okay)**. I realized too late that I had not bought any fruits for the week, so I ate an apple and later added some frozen berries to my yogurt. It’s sort of that conundrum, do you follow the exact wording of the rule, or do you follow the intent of the rule, because each option my lead you down a different road. It also highlights the fact that this challenge is a matter of choice and not necessity, and as such, how impactful can it truly be?

*I factored this cost into my budget, and while I am kicking myself now for not buying the 2-pound bag of regular carrots for the same price, I can’t help but also think “what single person is going to be eating that many carrots?!”

** Rule #5 was that, if I did cheat on my budget, it would be by eating food that was already in my kitchen before the start of the challenge (and Rule #3 was simply to stay within my $22 budget).