Upon taking photos for this blog, I found that there were multiple forces that would change how I embodied my sense of self and how I present myself outward, such as the institutions of capitalism, the media, health, and education, as well as more interpersonal pressures such as friendship, beauty, and bodily autonomy. Therefore, I wanted to show these set of photos in four categories, such as how institutions affect how I present myself, as well as how these forms of embodiment that feel inauthentic to me can bleed into my daily life outside of institutions, like time with my friends, as well as in my own space. Lastly, I wanted to look at how I choose to combat this inauthentic embodiment I have to possess, with my daily practices or permanent changes I have made to myself and my body. 

It is most clear to see how my personal embodiment is affected by institutions by how I dress for work and classes, as my clothing represents how I am expected to be as a member of these institutions, rather than I want to present myself. For work, in particular, I work at the dining hall at UO, and there are strict rules behind my attire, as I am forced to wear a shirt and hat representing the cooperation, as well as long work pants, nonslip shoes, my hair pulled back, etc. Much of these restrictions are for food safety purposes, but my uniform also makes it so I am uniform to my coworkers; it is so no one stands out, and rather we fade into the background and are presented as separate from the public. Being restricted in this way with my clothing then further resists myself, as I do not feel like I am embodying my authentic self to the people around me, so therefore I struggle to express myself, as I am being surveilled and may be viewed as unprofessional. Foucault discusses the use of surveillance and discipline from those with social power, and that “the chief function of the disciplinary power is to ‘train’, rather than to select and to levy…. It does not link forces together in order to reduce them; it seeks to bind them together in such a way as to multiply and use them,”  (Foucault, 170). At work, I am being disciplined and trained in order to conform, to be the same as my coworkers rather than an individual, so I can be used to produce labor; my individualities do not matter and need to be stripped for productiveness. I feel a similar way in my classes, as although I can wear whatever I want, I am influenced by the discipline and training I learned in public school early on, as there is a way to present yourself that makes you look professional and put together, so therefore you can be taken seriously. However, on the same token, I dull myself with my clothing in class, as I also do not want to call attention to myself, as I do not want to take up space. It reflects a sense of imposter syndrome I have as well, as I do not feel worthy of being a part of the institutions of higher education because I worry I am not as productive and studious as my peers around me, so I try to embody what I imagine everyone around me presents naturally, in order to fit into that discipline.

 Part of the reason I feel unworthy is the mental disorders I struggle with, such as ADHD and depression, that make how I function in school and in work different than the norm. As Foucault explains further about a disciplinary society, “individualization is ‘descending’: as power becomes more anonymous and more functional, those on whom it is exercised tend to be more strongly individualized…In a system of discipline…the child is more individualized than the adult, the patient more than the healthy men,” (Foucault, 193). I am individualized by my mental differences as they are seen as abnormal and problematic, so not only with my clothing do I try to deindividualize myself to escape discipline, but I also must take the medication in order to force my brain to function how it should. However, because of this medication, I constantly have to manage the side effects, as some can make me nauseous if I don’t eat, and then some suppress my appetite, and if I forget to take them, which is likely considering the impacts of my disorders, I am met with worse symptoms than what I actually deal with. My emotions can be dulled as well or made erratic by hormonal birth control, and personally, if  I was not a part of capitalist and educational institutions, I likely wouldn’t take this mediation, but it is now a part of my daily practice, and it is my responsibility to regulate myself in order to be a proper woman, rather than receiving systemic aid for the way my brain operates. 

Although I am forced to assimilate and seem neutral within these institutional contexts, I have found ways that I am able to present individuality with my body, and some of it conforms to feminine expectations, and some are a form of resistance. Some of these have bled into my personal space, such as my collection of makeup and daily beauty practices in my bedroom, that sometimes I use for art in order to express myself, but often times they are used in order to make myself again look presentable and not tired and unkept. This is a similar sentiment with my acrylic nails, as this is a body modification that I keep up with as it gives me a sense of class and feminine beauty, even though it can be a painful and expensive process. However, I have other body modifications that are similarly expensive and painful to achieve, such as my tattoos and piercings, but I see them as a way to defy expectations and use my body to embody my artistic and introspective qualities. As Pitts found in her study on women’s body modifications and scarification, they are “planned, self-directed rituals aimed at achieving a transformation of the self’s relation to the body in response to a specific situation of bodily oppression.” (Pitts, 71). I feel a similar way, as I was told growing up that having these body modifications on display would limit m career options and the respect I would receive from the people around me, so now they are a way to reclaim my autonomy, as I only want to be in spaces where these artistic bodily choices are respected, and I am permanently cementing myself in these spaces. However, I only feel comfortable expressing other people’s art on my body, rather than my own art, such as the paintings in my room, as those disclose a much more personal side to me regarding how my authentic embodiment is often stripped from me, and I do not feel as though I have the talent or authority to share my art publicly. Things such as my art that show my rue vulnerability and authenticity are rarely able to be embodied in the public eye, but my body modifications are s small way of doing so. 

In terms of my friendships and my daily activities within those relationships, I feel as though I am encouraged to embody certain types of femininity that are not natural to me once again, in order to fit in and be accepted, but these can be used as forms of resistance as well. I feel pressure to uphold the same feminine standards my friends do, such as being healthy and taking care of yourself, following popular feminine media trends, and embodying beauty at all times, in order to fit in. When we go out and socialize, I follow expectations to wear tight, small clothing, heeled shoes, excessive makeup, etc. in order to embody femininity and sexuality. Although my most comfortable attire is baggy clothes and slippers, I do not want to be individualized within my friend group, for fear of being perceived as being a prude or boring. However, in the same token, my everyday clothes are a form of safety, as exposing more of my body can make me target for unwanted attention, but within my friend group, there is strength in numbers, and we are able to more freely express ourselves in a pack, rather than individually. This is similar to the media and hobbies we engage in, as the reality of being a woman is being judged for everything you embody, there is no right way to be feminine, so we use our pack as a way to engage in stereotypically feminine activities like watching reality TV and having wine nights, in order to feel safe and understood, and free to be ourselves, outside of institutional and societal pressures of conformity.